GEORGIA TRIP IS FINALLY HERE.
I GET TO SEE HUSBAND’S FACE IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS.
Which means it’s Emotional Spectrum Tornado inside Brooke.
There is some relief today, though.
Because the EGD is finally over.
I am so glad. I was barely surviving on that thing.
And I think I almost DIED once.
Seriously, Soul Sister was concerned for my life.
I’ll get to that in a second.
Because what you really want to hear about are my Extreme Georgia Diet results.
Did it work?
OH, IT WORKED.
Why did it work?
Because we starved ourselves for
2 weeks 10 days 7 days in order to become as slim as possible for Georgia!
And by starved I mean sometimes starved and other times ate bags of candy and chips.
Have you ever severely restricted your caloric intake?
It’s extremely difficult.
Because there are side effects.
Like, it makes working out ten times harder.
And sleep is pretty much impossible.
It also causes headaches.
And a general sense of misery.
But we expected to suffer, as should anyone else who attempts to lose 20 lbs. in two weeks.
EGD FACT: Midnight migraines are to be embraced while on the EGD.
While on this diet, Soul Sister and I were taking in massive amounts of caffeine as well as water. When combined with zero food, this leads to brain pain.
Another side effect of the EGD is tiredness.
Soul Sister and I have been complaining about this from the get-go.
It’s the kind of tiredness that comes from not eating food and then being starving at bedtime.
Have you ever tried to fall asleep when you’re hungry?
Yeah, me either. Except for ONE DAY on the EGD. It was terrible! What a preposterous idea. I never went to bed hungry again after that.
EGD FACT: Extreme lethargy is a good sign.
Despite feeling lethargic 24/7, Soul Sister and I still exercised.
Because we were trying to lose 20 lbs. in two weeks! Do you know how many calories you have to burn per day to lose that much weight that quickly? Like, 3,500 more than you take in! That’s ridiculous!
So, to achieve at least SOMETHING of a calorie deficit each day, Soul Sister and I exercised. I skipped some days. Not Soul Sister. Because she is superhuman, remember?
We also experimented with other methods of “weight loss.”
One of the tactics we had originally planned to implement toward the end of EGD is DEHYDRATION.
That’s extremely dangerous! you shout.
Yeah, we know.
Because I almost DIED last Wednesday when Mission: Dehydration began.
This was our plan: dehydrate our bodies when Georgia trip is days away so we lose even more weight/inches and our muscles are very defined.
How did we plan to do this?
With an extremely unscientific plan we created by throwing together a bunch of facts we found on the internet during our exploratory “dehydration” research phase.
Essentially, we wanted to drink a TON of water in the days leading up to GA, and then restrict our fluid intake during the final days to “cut” water weight.
Let it be known that Soul Sister grew concerned for our health the more she looked into purposeful dehydration.
But we obviously still wanted to do it. Because EGD is all about consuming things that will help us shed weight even if those things could kill us. One’s overall well-being is NOT a concern on this diet. You shelve that concern for two weeks while you try to lose 20 lbs.
Because we had no idea what we were doing and because we didn’t want to pass out in the Georgia heat, we settled on the following “safe” plan:
Drink two gallons of water per day Wednesday-Sunday, and then decrease gallons consumed to ONE per day for Monday and Tuesday.
We also planned to eat a lot of salt during the 2-gallon days. Because apparently that helps with the “flushing” part on the last few water-deprived days.
This is where the part about me almost dying comes in.
****NOTE!!!! My brush with death is NOT Soul Sister’s fault. She blames herself for my potential expiration on Wednesday night (you’ll see why), and she couldn’t be more wrong. EGD is voluntary. One participates at one’s own risk!****
So, on Wednesday (the first 2-gallon water day according to our “schedule”), I texted Soul Sister. Because I did NOT want to continue drinking water. I still had, like, 70 oz. to go to reach 2 gallons, and I didn’t think I could even FIT more water in my stomach.
By the way, 2 gallons = 256 oz.
So I was whining to Soul Sister in the way I do when it comes to EGD, complaining about my every-two-hour bathroom breaks in the middle of the night and throwing in every other excuse to get OUT of having to drink the full 2 gallons of water that day.
Sleep is less important than weight loss on the EGD, so sacrificing dreams in exchange for bathroom breaks is a practice that must be embraced on this diet.
P.S. Sorry about all of the profanities in my text messages. I tend to keep it pretty clean in my blog posts, but I let loose in text messages as you’ll see. That’s the “real me,” everyone. Trashy sailor mouth in all.
P.P.S. Another side effect of sharing our texts with you: inevitably erasing the anonymity of Soul Sister. You get her first name. That is it, though! No more! She’s my treasure and I’ll hide her accordingly.
Anyway, after she convinced me to suck it up and drink the water, I did.
And of course we continued to text about a bunch of other stuff.
At some point, I started to feel funny.
Like my eyeballs were fat.
So I updated Soul Sister about my slowly-engorging body. I also suggested that perhaps I had consumed TOO MUCH water. That perhaps I was over-saturated.
I know what you’re thinking, but it was NOT another excuse to get out of drinking water.
I legitimately felt like a Beluga puffer fish on the verge of bursting.
While Soul Sister replied, I did some quick research. I presented screenshots of my alarming findings to Soul Sister.
And THERE’S the profanity.
I also obviously don’t review my texts for grammatical errors before sending them to Soul Sister. It’s because she is my twin so it’s okay if I loosen the Grammar Nazi reins inside me when I text her.
This is when Soul Sister grew very concerned and began to express remorse for encouraging me to drink the full two gallons.
As always with the EGD, extreme measures come with the risk of backfiring, but that is no reason to give up on taking extreme measures.
In fact, it’s a reason to celebrate how great it is to learn new things about oneself.
I assured Soul Sister that imminent death was not her fault and that, like any diligent EGD Follower, I was happily walking the tightrope between life and death in the name if a slimmer waistline.
But, lesson learned: Brooke cannot handle 2 gallons of water in a day.
We also decided that perhaps it was best to NOT mess with our water intake on the EGD. It’s too dangerous.
And also we have no idea what we’re doing. And the embarrassment we’d feel after passing out in Georgia is NOT worth a slimmer waistline. Priority balance is key on the EGD.
Not only did I reach points of near-death, but I also reached points of near-vomiting.
Remember that EXTRA CAFFEINE Black Tea? It gives you bald eagle vision.
It also makes you want to throw up.
If you drink it on an empty stomach, at least.
Which is ALWAYS the case when you’re on the EGD.
Though I always feel worse when I drink it, one particular cup left me feeling very queasy.
(If you are wondering why I continue to drink tea that makes me feel ill, then I must ask you why you are not grasping the core concept of EGD.)
I was standing at my work desk, salivating in the way you do right before you throw up, breathing deeply and trying not to think about food so I didn’t run to the bathroom and vomit all over the walls.
Imagine explaining THAT to Boss 1.
I must soak this tea up with something before it burns a hole through my stomach, I thought to myself.
I mean, I couldn’t just THROW IT UP. Oh, no. And not because I “feared making a scene in front of my colleagues.”
I couldn’t throw it up because I drank it on PURPOSE.
I had deemed the tea essential to EGD.
Which means it was a daily requirement.
MUST. STAY. INSIDE. ME.
I rifled through my desk drawer and found some granola.
And I had a few morsels of granola.
And I felt a little bit better after that.
And then worse.
And then better.
And then very salivate-y again.
And then, finally, the urge to throw up my precious dieting tea went away and I was okay.
EGD FACT: If your tea doesn’t make you want to throw up/make your head feel squeezy the minute you finish it, it’s not helping your EGD cause and you should probably buy stronger tea.
Also, if you’ve gone more than an hour without feeling like you’re going to explode from the mouth, you are fine to have tea again.
DIFFERENT TEA, obviously. I’m not trying to KILL myself, here, and neither should you.
I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION GUM.
Gum is an important food group on the EGD.
It’s the perfect substitute for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and any snacks you might want to have in between.
I highly suggest buying Orbit’s cinnamon gum.
Its ingredients are truly atrocious, but that doesn’t matter for EGD.
And it tastes so good.
And it’s an excellent five-calorie substitute for that 500-calorie cupcake or wholesome dinner you’re about to eat.
For these reasons, it’s EGD-ideal.
All gum is. Even if you shove three sticks of it into your mouth at once.
EGD TIP: The Extreme Georgia Diet is much more survivable when you have a friend to cry/complain/bemoan your existence to.
Soul Sister and I texted each other CONSTANTLY while doing the EGD. Not about EGD stuff, specifically, but the support was nonstop.
When we did text about EGD stuff, we would say things to each other like:
“God help us.”
“EGD is all about taking risks with your life.”
“Limit-pushing is the definition of EGD.”
And we sent each other body picture updates a lot, too. Even though mine didn’t change a whole lot because I kept cheating.
It’s really hard to not eat anything.
And it’s really hard to not eat anything when you’re riding an emotional roller coaster with no seat belt because you’re temporarily reuniting with the love of your life in less than a week.
Sooooo you’re probably wondering if I’m ever going to tell you how much weight Soul Sister and I lost on the EGD.
Buckle your seat belts, because Brooke is finally getting to the point of this post!
Despite the deceiving headline, I did NOT lose 20 pounds on the EGD.
Probably because I cheated nearly every single night with chocolate and cookies.
But I did lose quite a bit of weight.
13.5 pounds, in fact!
Which I think is pretty good, considering I didn’t really follow the EGD food plan very well. Or at all, at first. And for many days after. I did follow the skin-browning plan and tea-drinking plan and eating-well-during-the-day plan. Just not the NO-CARBS-OR-SWEETS plan or the will-power plan.
Guess how many pounds Soul Sister lost?
The EGD works, people.
We are THRILLED.
We cannot wait to see our soldiers and show off our slimmer physiques.
Want to see the cutest picture ever of the loves of our lives?
Husband is on the right. Soul Sister’s hunk is on the left.
GOSH HUSBAND IS SO CUTE I COULD EXPLODE.
Soul Sister feels the same about her man.
Speaking of shared feelings, Soul Sister and I are BOTH on the verge of emotional breakdowns due to anxiety about our trip to Georgia.
When I talked to Husband on the phone this past Sunday, I thought I’d be clever and FaceTime him JUST SO I would have a better shot at NOT crying. Because crying is unattractive and I’m actively trying to be as attractive to Husband as humanly possible.
No such luck. Three minutes in, I was crying.
IT’S SO ANNOYING.
NOTHING stops these tears.
It’s truly terrible.
They just spring into my eyes without warning.
Unprovoked tears have begun to define my existence.
You see, I haven’t seen Husband in MONTHS.
During those months, I strategically reverted back to the steel trap armadillo of emotion I was before Husband cracked me open.
Now that I know I can see him again, everything I’ve bottled up over the past three months is just swimming out of my eyes. It’s awful. I have turned into the hysterical wildebeest I’ve always feared becoming.
I’ve already forewarned Mother-In-Law that I’m an erratic mess and cannot be held responsible for my emotional behavior. She loves it when I’m a blubbery mess, which is helpful for my case.
Husband doesn’t mind when I sob to him over FaceTime. He reassures me that I will see him soon and that everything will be all right.
Riiiiiight after I see him for the first time on Wednesday. Then I will normalize myself around him and be fine.
Plane leaves tonight! Wish me luck! Only the stars know when I’ll post next week’s post or what it will be about.
Until then, I’ll be uniting with Soul Sister and reuniting with Husband. This week is what dreams are made of.
Now, cross your fingers that I don’t startle any flight attendants or poor Brother-In-Law by bursting into tears (he’s flying down to Georgia with me).
I hope that today is the day he decides to read my blog JUST so he can read that sentence and FREAK OUT.
Perhaps I’ll cry on purpose just to watch him squirm.
I’ll see you in a week!