DISCLAIMER: This post contains highly questionable recommendations that are both unhealthy and unsustainable. Because of the nature of the post’s contents, everything is written in a slightly sarcastic tone. STOP READING HERE if you’re seeking advice for natural, healthy weight loss. None of what follows qualifies as such.
I have been DYING to write to you about this.
As you may know, Husband is currently at boot camp. He’s been there since the beginning of April.
What you may NOT know is that I get to see him in about a week. In Georgia. For his boot camp graduation ceremony.
It will be the first time I’ve seen him since April.
And I am FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT.
You know how terribly I’ve adjusted to NOT seeing him. Knowing I will finally see him again just throws all of the progress I’ve made RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.
My emotions are completely out of whack. I’m like a maniacal little hobbit. Half the time I’m cackling like a hyena and the rest of the time I’m pacing my apartment clutching bikinis because I can’t decide which suitcase to pack for Georgia.
The main reason I’m freaking out is because everything must be perfect when I see Husband again. The weather, my outfit, the things we say to each other, and especially my BODY.
I’ve talked about my body issues before, and I want to make one thing clear: although I would rather be thinner, I am fine with the curves my mother gave me. MORE than fine. Mostly because Husband LOVES them.
I want to seize this opportunity to look as awesome as possible when I reunite with Husband.
And I can DEFINITELY afford to lose a few pounds.
So, how am I going to make sure my body looks phenomenal?
THE EXTREME GEORGIA DIET
We call it EGD, for short.
I am not suffering alone. Oh, no.
I am doing this with Husband’s boot-camp-BFF’s girlfriend.
Does that make sense? Husband made a friend at boot camp, and that friend has a girlfriend. She reached out to me nearly a month ago.
And now, she is my BFF.
I talked about her a little bit in my Pros and Cons of Being an Army Wife post.
In this post, I will call her Soul Sister, since that’s what she is to me.
She is my East Coast TWIN.
We are absolutely obsessed with each other in every way. Mainly because we have the exact same sense of humor, which is really the most important thing to share with someone when it comes to friendship.
She is AWESOME.
I have never met someone who is so like me before. It’s positively exhilarating!
Since we will BOTH be seeing the men of our dreams very soon, we have decided to go on a crash diet together. We call this diet the EGD. The whole point of the diet is to shed at LEAST twenty pounds before we go.
I know it sounds extreme, and that’s because it is. That’s why we put Extreme in the title.
Since we didn’t feel like giving up cupcakes and falafel any sooner than two weeks before our Georgia trip, we had exactly two weeks to lose the weight.
We decided that two weeks was the perfect amount of time to lose 20 pounds.
Which meant that the weekend before our 2-week EGD began, we ate everything in sight.
I mean, we INDULGED.
I baked/cooked every sweet that I could possibly think of. And promptly devoured said sweets.
Like Indoor S’mores.
And Red Velvet Cupcakes. I’ll post the recipe for these bad boys soon. Probably when I come home from Georgia and gorge myself with them again.
When the end of the weekend rolled around and it was time to initiate EGD, we struggled.
Here is a picture of Soul Sister being f*$%ing hilarious on Snapchat and wishing the diet hadn’t begun.
P.S. I’m on Snapchat now, and I highly recommend you becoming my friend and sending me hilarious snaps, because I LOVE SNAPCHAT.
You can actually snap a picture of this (it’s me!), and Snapchat will automatically add me for you. Seriously. Try it.
I still haven’t figured out exactly how Snapchat differs fundamentally from Twitter/Facebook/Instagram, but I’m getting there.
Snapchat involves a huge learning curve.
Thank goodness all of my beginner snaps deleted immediately.
Back to EGD.
Because of the challenges Soul Sister and I face on the EGD, it is important to keep motivation nearby.
Soul Sister is an excellent source of motivation.
For example, if I send her a French fry emoticon, she texts back, “NO FRIES BROOKE!!!! Stay strong.”
Another great source of motivation = the long dress I’m going to wear to Husband’s graduation. This is an extremely unforgiving dress. Because it’s one layer of fabric. And it’s stretchy fabric. So EVERYTHING SHOWS. Whether I want it to or not.
I’ve hung it up in my closet as a constant reminder to not eat anything.
In addition to not eating anything, we are allowed to eat some foods.
Not very many foods, because we are trying to lose 20 lbs. in two weeks, which means we must burn WAY MORE CALORIES than we consume.
An easy way to make sure that happens is by not eating anything.
I found a lot of inspiration for the qualifications of this diet using this handy little how-to on losing 20 lbs. in 2 weeks.
Also, check out Andrew’s 10 Tips for losing 20 pounds in 2 weeks for more realistic (and less dangerous) ways to try to drop weight quickly.
Our EGD eating plan includes:
And we are only allowed to eat very small amounts of those foods.
And also, I ate taco meat the first week because it was left over in my fridge, and I paid an outrageous amount of money for that ONE POUND of organic, grass-fed beef, so I was NOT throwing it out.
Plus, I made the taco meat using my healthy homemade taco seasoning, so I considered it EGD-friendly.
But that taco meat was the only exception to this diet! White meat ONLY!
This diet looks impossibly hard because it IS IMPOSSIBLY HARD. Have you ever tried to lose 20 lbs. in two weeks? Me either, and I’m learning that it’s VERY DIFFICULT.
For example, sometimes Soul Sister and I cheat and do not follow the meal plan.
We cheat with 100-calorie bags of popcorn (if you’re Soul Sister) and mounds of chocolate, Cheerios, and shame (if you’re me).
I cheat WAY MORE than Soul Sister does. Because she’s got resolve. And I’ve got Cheerios. WHICH I AM SWEARING OFF FROM HERE ON OUT BECAUSE I CAN’T AFFORD ANY MORE CHEAT DAYS.
Another very important component of the EGD: tea.
You can buy your teas online or in the store at 6:30AM because you cheated last night and are in desperate need of a weight loss miracle.
In the store, I was specifically hunting for a tea that Soul Sister drinks. It’s called Yerba Mate. She swears by it for weight loss.
I was unable to find Yerba Mate at the store, so I bought everything else.
This American Breakfast Extra Caffeine Blend is INTENSE. I reported to Soul Sister that this tea had sharpened my vision to bald-eagle-level. The world is crisp when you drink this stuff. And also shaky.
I bought this one because it has “diet” and “slim” written all over it…
…a because the back said all of THAT.
THEN I FOUND THESE BAD BOYS.
*angels singing in the grocery aisle at the crack of dawn*
Then, I read the backs and sides of these boxes.
Look at those brewing instructions! Holy crap!
This tea sounded DANGEROUS. Which was EXACTLY what I was looking for.
Seriously, what kind of tea comes with a warning label?
You can’t lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks by taking the normal diet-and-exercise route.
You must buy teas that could kill you. I call these Super Dieter’s Teas Suicide Teas.
These teas make my head feel squeezy in a bizarre yet tolerable way. They also make me feel very warm.
They also contain Stevia. Soul Sister said it perfectly when she said, “The stevia alone is a death trap!!!”
Not in a good way, I know.
But there are a lot of unhealthy things going on during the EGD, so sacrifices to my overall well-being MUST be made.
ANOTHER CRUCIAL COMPONENT TO THE EGD: being as tan as possible.
How do we achieve this?
By soaking up rays daily and for as many hours as possible, of course.
Lucky for us, the EGD is occurring during a sunny season.
I considered getting a spray tan, at first. Because I cannot bring myself to tan in a tanning bed (Because of skin cancer. Soul Sister wanted clarification when I told her, so I figured I’d give you my reason, too).
So, I was considering paying to have my body covered in orange spray, but then the sun broke through the clouds and EGD began, and I’ve been frying like bacon in rays of sun ever since.
Here’s a perfect quote from Soul Sister to describe what you’re looking to achieve on the EGD:
“Not only is EGD about becoming emaciated, but also becoming one step closer to Pacific Islander.”
So, moments like this are crucial.
So, what DO we eat on the EGD, specifically?
Every day, I pack this for work: 1 cup of spinach/spring mix/kale + 4 cherry tomatoes + 6-7 Brussels sprouts halves + 1/2-3/4 c. of protein.
I eat that ONLY.
Then I come home and try to eat basically that exact same thing.
Soul Sister consumes what I consume + egg whites and cottage cheese. You KNOW how I feel about cottage cheese.
Also, I have frozen shrimp in my freezer that I intend to thaw, rinse, and cover with chili powder before consuming while on the EGD.
I have also recently purchased Cancer Tilapia.
See for yourself.
Carbon monoxide to enhance color?!?! Seriously?! WHY?
I forgot to read labels while I was chucking EGD-approved foods into my cart at Aldis. That’s why I have Cancer Tilapia in my freezer.
But I must eat it, because Cancer Tilapia has lots of protein and minimal calories. It’s an ideal food for the EGD.
So, how are Soul Sister and I doing on our weight loss so far?
Well, Soul Sister reached her body goals in, like, five days.
For the record, she did NOT have 20 pounds to lose. She had zero pounds to lose.
But she followed the EGD for five days and now she looks like this:
Truth: she always looks like this.
She always looks like this because she can participate in the EGD and not cheat and thus see results immediately.
I just kept doing it over and over again! It was like I couldn’t STOP!
I’d start the day off with lettuce and chicken and then eventually find my way to the Cheerios box at night.
This past weekend also turned into a cupcake-and-Milk-Dud FREE FOR ALL.
Because I’ve got no will power.
OKAY that’s not true. I did lose tons of weight on the 21 Day Fix by behaving.
The reason I have not behaved on the EGD until now is because the EGD is EXTREME, and I am only able to maintain extreme dieting practices when the end goal is in sight.
Remember when I did the 3-day military diet? Same idea.
Now, I have less than 10 days until I see Husband.
Which means I’m officially in EGD beast mode. Extremely extreme.
It’s excellent timing for me to take EGD seriously, because I’m extremely anxious and stressed out about seeing Husband. Stress = minimal eating, if you’re me.
Stress is IDEAL for the EGD.
Example of stress: instead of eating, I spent all day Sunday packing my suitcase and Husband’s (for when he goes to OCS right after graduation).
Then, I cried a lot.
Then, I read a great book.
And I cried some more after that.
I cried on Monday, too.
Because not seeing your husband for months and then knowing you’re seeing him soon just releases a floodgate of emotions you’ve blocked up the entire time he’s been gone.
I’m a MESS.
But I will be a svelte mess next week when I see him, and that’s all that matters.
For the record, I am seven pounds lighter than I was when I started and progressively cheated on this diet.
Which is pretty good, considering I had three cupcakes and five cinnamon rolls for breakfast on Sunday.
You think I’m kidding!
I’ll let you know how much weight I end up losing (and Soul Sister’s weight loss, even though she’s ripped and in perfect physical condition and is likely just “participating” for moral support) next week.
Until then, I’ll be working out like a maniac and trying not to eat anything in order to avoid looking like a cupcake whale pony next to Soul Sister.
Fat chance! But I’ll try, dang it.
When I come back from Husband’s graduation, though, you’d better believe I’m making another trip to the grocery store with my wonderful mother to buy every single thing I can possibly shove in my mouth in one weekend.
Because life is all about extreme dieting and taking drastic, questionable measures to achieve your dream body in a short period of time, and then immediately letting yourself go and ballooning back up.
But am I?
Not this month, I’m not!
This month, I will impress Husband with my uncanny ability to abstain from food consumption.
He will probably yell at me for taking such drastic measures with my appearance, because he already likes the way I look.
But he can’t stop me when I’m in Michigan and he’s in Georgia.
Ha-ha! *evil smirk*
*passes out on carpet*
I’ll see you all next week!