Vegan 21 Day Fix | Days 10-12
I rode an emotional tidal wave these past three days.
If you’ve ever disliked the way you look in the mirror and felt totally out of control about your eating habits, well, you and I are in the same boat.
You’ll see what I mean.
I popped out of bed the SECOND my alarm went off. Like BAM-shot up in bed. I think I was having a crazy dream. Either way, immediate alertness in the morning = easier start to the day!
Day 10 exercise = I chose to do Autumn’s 30-minute Dirty 30 workout video. I really wanted to lift some weights day 10 morning but was running short on time, so I went with a 21 Day Fix video. I had totally forgotten that Dirty 30 uses weights! SO excited. I also wanted to get some AB work in (since I have to take body progress pictures tomorrow and I’m a little nervous about the lack of progress), which Dirty 30 is ALSO great for. Side bends are incorporated into this workout, and side bends = my FAVORITE oblique workout. Very satisfied with Dirty 30 on day 10. Also, I did 40 lunges and 200 jump ropes WHICH I fumbled through like an idiot because my arms were so worn out from Dirty 30. Dirty 30. I like saying it. Can you tell?
I skipped breakfast because I wasn’t hungry. Probably because I have to take pictures of myself tomorrow and I’m nervous that I won’t see any changes.
TOTALLY MY FAULT, of course, since I’ve been cheating like a mad woman.
I packed my classic salad for lunch, plus some celery stalks, bell peppers, and my Vega One.
For dinner, I had the same pasta deliciousness I had on day 9, but I used the tri-colored bell peppers from my lunch pail.
SUN DRIED TOMATO TIP: don’t cut them too small, or they will disappear in your pasta! I left them a little larger (think: dime-sized pieces) when I chopped them for day 10’s pasta, and the tomato tang was THERE in every bite. YUMMMM.
After dinner, I had a small packet of Justin’s almond butter (“classic” flavor).
I had an apple after that, too.
I wanted to eat the whole f*&@ing kitchen, but I was depressed by my reflection in the mirror and the number on the scale (I checked), so I told myself NO!
What I ate on Day 10:
- celery sticks = 1 green
- (salad) 1 c. spinach + a few cherry tomatoes + squirt of Dijon mustard + 1/2 c. quinoa taco “meat” = 1 green, 1 yellow A
- Vega One shake = 1 red
- apple = 1 purple
- 1 c. pasta + 1/2 c. red lentil hummus + 1 c. portobello mushrooms + 1 c. cooked peppers and sun-dried tomatoes = 2 red, 1 yellow A, 2 green
- 1 packet of almond butter = many teaspoons
Day 10 totals:
4 green (of 5)
2 yellow A
0 yellow B
0 blue (of 1)
0 orange (of 1)
many teaspoons of almond butter
I was happy to resist my chocolate chips. But I was having a hard time on day 10.
This is why:
I have no clue how to get myself to PERMANENTLY NOT want to snack all the time.
Like, do I just have to keep not snacking until it turns into a habit? Is that it?
I feel like I’ve got my mind on food and food on my mind 24/7.
It’s depressing and embarrassing to feel this way, to feel like I can’t get a grip on how to eat well.
And it’s REALLY embarrassing to tell YOU I feel this way.
But it’s how I feel!
I know I don’t look terrible in the mirror, but do I think I could look way better? Yup!
I think life slows down after college, and then the humdrum of everyday-ness just EXPANDS people’s waistlines.
You get old. You get tired. You get bored. Life is the exact same thing every day, and food suddenly becomes the highlight of everything.
Seriously, think about it! What’s the best part of your day? Pizza! Cake! Milk Duds! If food isn’t first, it’s a close second.
Consume, consume, consume! It’s all I think about.
The only time I don’t want to CONSUME is when I’m engrossed in blogging/writing/reading. But those things take energy, which is why those things are the LAST things I want to do at nighttime. When I’m tired and I’d rather just eat until I go to bed.
I feel desperation creeping upon me. Desperation to lose weight, desperation for this diet to end so I can stop feeling desperate to lose weight.
Will that desperation EVER go away? Will I ever shrug that cloud? The cloud that lingers behind me, just beyond my shoulder blade, the cloud that says FOOD and also DON’T EAT THAT at the exact same time?
Half of me prays for old age to just COME already so I can stop WORRYING so incessantly about the size of me.
The worry will dissipate with time, right?
FYI – I’m hyper-aware that I’m sharing things with you that you may not have realized about me. Surprise! I’m just as self-conscious as the next person. I’m just very good at hiding it.
And (usually) I’m good at choosing not to care about how I look.
Usually, I am good at not caring.
Not lately, though. I haven’t not cared about the way I look in, like, a YEAR.
It’s the worst!
And I realize that the size of my butt is proportional to how much food I’m shoveling into my mouth, that my butt mass is my responsibility. I take full blame!
But blaming doesn’t DO anything. Blame is just me chasing my own tail and yelling at it. Blame is dumb and pointless!
The problem is that I can’t figure out how get from point A (butt is too big and all I care about is making it smaller, so I try to stop eating so much food and eventually fail) to point B (I eat exactly as much food I am supposed to eat every single day and I’m the size I want to be).
It’s a MENTAL bridge that I have to cross to get from point A to point B. I just have no f*&$ing clue where it is and how to cross it.
And in the meantime, I am fighting off this creeping feeling of desperation. It’s tugging on the sleeves of my hoodie, on the lobes of my ears. It’s the same desperation that I allowed to SHOVE me into obsessive oblivion last time I did the Fix. I wanted, needed, to see drastic results.
But desperation-fueled dieting isn’t sustainable. It’s a rabbit hole of focus and drive. Eventually, I emerge from the hole. When I do, I eat everything in sight. Which means the results I see are not sustainable.
But you know what also isn’t sustainable? The way I’m living my life now. The food choices I’m making now. I can’t keep eating whatever I want. If I do, I’ll stay the same size/get bigger.
SO HOW DO I REACH THE MIDDLE GROUND?!
How do I get halfway between caring enormously about how I look/what I eat (and thus eating well and/or not eating) and not caring at all about how I look/what I eat (and thus eating everything in sight)?
I think the middle ground – the point of “caring just the right amount” about food/the way I look – is where I’ll find peace.
Anybody know how to get there?
I’m having a hard time explaining this clearly. Probably because it’s a jumbled mess of logic and confusion and emotion in my head. Please bear with me.
Moderation doesn’t exist for me right now, on day 10. All my dials are haywire.
Willpower is either there or NOT depending on the day.
When I DO consistently keep my eats in check and tell myself day after day to not eat this or that, eventually, I start to crumble. And my emotional well-being NOSEDIVES.
Right now, I feel like a cracked egg in a bird’s nest with no sense of direction and just a whole lot of frailty and fear.
Part of the problem is that I’m waiting.
I’m waiting for Husband to come home and for life to pick back up again.
I fill my time with whatever the heck I can. Like Netflix. And books. And food.
Don’t get me wrong – I have GRANDS PLANS for when Husband comes home and real life resumes.
But in the meantime…?
In the meantime, I don’t know WHAT to do with myself.
I am reluctant to start big blog projects. I am reluctant to start anything. Since everything will change in September when Husband comes home.
This life I’m living, the life where I spend lots of time at my parents’ house and with friends and also alone, this isn’t real life. This is temporary.
But it is REAL LIFE.
It’s the life I’m living, isn’t it?
And this right-now-REAL-LIFE I’m living has involved lots of battles with FOOD.
Honestly, the waiting and filling time has slowly sucked me into a vortex of thinking that sweets are the greatest thing on the planet, that food is the highlight of life!
And now I’m stuck here and I have no clue how to escape the vortex. But it HAS to be possible. I quit smoking cold turkey after chiefing half a pack a day for YEARS, so food HAS to be something I can conquer.
Are you still here, or have you moved on to less babbly parts of this post?
Do you know what I mean by any of this? Do you ever feel these ways? I can’t be the only one who does. Right?
The REAL problem isn’t about getting myself to STOP eating when I’m no longer hungry.
I can do that.
It’s about getting myself to STOP eating when I am no longer hungry FOREVER. It’s about spending those hours between dinner and bedtime without food EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. For the rest of my life.
How do I do that? Just SKIP food every single night? For the rest of my life?
Without cracking and breaking into a million pieces eventually? And eating everything in sight when I do?
I guess the better question is WHY do I crack and break into a million pieces when I can’t snack all night?
Why do I feel a low murmur of panic when food is removed from my day? When I have to restrict/control my intake?
What purpose is my snacking serving?
It’s doing something for me.
Otherwise I wouldn’t do it.
Why does food help me feel better?
Why do I feel bad in the first place?
What of me is exposed in the evenings when I take food away?
GOD this is like a live therapy session. This is so weird, writing these things to you. I don’t say these things to anyone.
I think I need to spend some evenings with only myself. No Netflix, no food, no distractions. I have to be around ME, just me, in order to figure out what I’m drowning out with food. Because it IS something.
There’s a void/sense of anxiety I’m filling/placating with food. Blech, this feels terrible! What a crappy realization!
I explained some of this to Husband via FaceTime on day 10. I’ve yelled at him before for “encouraging” me to be fit. Mostly because I believe there is no RIGHT way for a man to encourage a woman to eat healthy/be fit.
Only women can tell other women what they need to do to lose weight/work out. It’s a woman thing. We hate each other for saying it, but we respect the female honesty.
I would respect the honesty from Husband if he wasn’t HUSBAND. If he wasn’t the one person who is supposed to find me attractive.
Poor Husband, bless his heart. He was just trying to be supportive.
Now, Husband just sits there while I profess my inner daemons, staring at me like a wide-eyed deer who’s afraid to say the wrong thing.
He does say the RIGHT things, now. After my inner Squishy Brooke came out and yelled that his encouragement made me feel like he wanted me to change my body.
So, now, he just listens. Which is really all I needed.
Marriage is hard. That’s why I wrote a whole series about it.
Anyway, amidst that annoying and emotional whirlwind, I was VERY proud of myself on day 10, because after I ate my pasta/almond butter/apple, I didn’t eat anything for the rest of the night.
P.S. TWICE I almost erased that entire self-conscious blurb. TWICE.
But I kept it in. For you. Just in case it was something you wanted to hear.
Oh, how astronomically sleep deprivation affects one’s emotions. See: ^day 10.^
I am not retracting my sentiments. Everything I said, I felt. I still feel. Those feelings just get shoved way deep down into my core while I sleep and are virtually nonexistent when I wake up.
I’m sure I’ll unravel again when the sun goes down.
Another reason I felt better day 11 morning is because I decided to do pilates.
Day 11 exercise = Autumn’s 30-minute Pilates Fix workout video. Ahhhh, this was just what the doctor ordered. It’s still a challenging workout, but in a low-impact way. Lots of ab and glute work. And planks. I was sweating, but not BULLETS. And the breathing exercises have a meditative quality about them. I felt serene after this. I felt MUCH better.
And, did you realize?
BODY PROGRESS PICTURES TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*promptly throws up*
We’re at the halfway mark today.
And even though I was dreading these pictures because I cheated like crazy the past 6 days, I took them anyway.
Because this is REAL LIFE. Yesterday’s emotional breakdown and my nearly undetectable results from day 1 to day 11. That’s real life for me right now.
I’m not THAT upset with the pictures. Do I wish the difference was more noticeable? Do I wish I didn’t have to scrutinize the photos to try and spot changes? Yeah.
But, such is life.
My eating is improving day by day, so HOPEFULLY day 21’s pictures look a little better.
Here are my ORIGINAL before (day 1) pictures:
Here are my day 11 pictures:
I am down 5.4 pounds from when I weighed myself on day 1.
I am not pleased with the pictures, but I am RELIEVED to notice some progress.
Like, my shorts aren’t cutting into my sides in the pictures, anymore.
Most importantly, I had a NSV this morning.
What is a NSV?
It’s a Non-Scale Victory (which is 21 Day Fix talk for “progress you see/feel that doesn’t pertain to the scale”).
My NSV on day 11 was when I pulled those blue shorts up.
When I pulled them up, they went shoop! right over my butt.
Like, right over!
A bolt of shock jolted through my chest when I pulled them up.
Because the last ten times I’ve tried these shorts on, I squeeeeeezed them over my butt and had to SUCK IN to button them.
This time, they went right up. And I buttoned them. And the shorts fit me comfortably.
They feel the same way on my body as they did last summer.
*sea breeze of happiness passes over Brooke*
So, even though my progress pictures are less than what I’d hoped to show you, my shorts fit better.
Which was one of my original goals.
In fact, they fit so well that I tried on my favorite pair of white capri pants. The capris I haven’t been able to wear yet this year because they don’t fit.
And those when up and over my butt, too.
So if you are judging me for looking the exact same as I did on day 1, please take notice of my NSV with my shorts and capris.
Pants progress is progress enough for me.
What I ate on Day 11:
- overnight oats = 1 yellow A, 1 orange
- (salad) 1 c. spinach + a few cherry tomatoes + squirt of Dijon mustard + 1/2 c. quinoa taco “meat” = 1 green, 1 yellow A
- half a green bell pepper = 1 green
- 1 c. pasta + 1/2 c. red lentil hummus + 1 c. portobello mushrooms + 1 c. cooked green pepper and sun-dried tomatoes = 2 red, 1 yellow A, 2 green
- 2 Skinny Chocolate Chip Cookies = 1 yellow B swap
Day 11 totals:
2 red (of 3)
4 green (of 5)
3 yellow A
1 yellow B
0 purple (of 1)
0 blue (of 1)
2 teaspoons of coconut oil (cooked mushroom and green pepper)
BAH I did so well with my food on day 11. NAILED IT.
Work has finally slowed down for me. Which means I can blog all day long at my own pace. Which is sheer bliss, I tell you.
I am going grocery shopping tonight!!!
I am SO EXCITED.
Because I am going to buy ingredients to make Cookie and Kate’s Mega Crunchy Romaine Salad with Quinoa.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to eat those two desserts by MYSELF.
I’m going to bring them to a family gathering on Saturday.
There should be another vegan at this gathering!
I tried to make vegan lemon poppy seed muffins for her, once, but the muffins were horrible. Truly atrocious. Gummy and chewy and weird in the way FAILED vegan desserts are.
She’s so full of grace, though. She ate two. Even though they were really gross!
Hopefully these two NEW vegan desserts turn out and I can reassert myself as a competent baker.
And hopefully with the desserts and Kate’s salad, we have three new FOOD WINS that we can store in our recipe box for life.
I DID go shopping.
And I got some of the ingredients for the Kate’s salad.
I got ALL of the ingredients for my 2 vegan desserts, though.
And I whipped both of them right up!
First, the Chocolate Chip Walnut Cookie Bars.
These smelled like HEAVEN while they were baking.
Can’t WAIT to taste them on Saturday.
Then, I made Skinny Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Do you see how puffy they are?!
Do you want to know WHY they are so puffy?
Because I used Bob’s Red Bill Gluten Free 1-to-1 Baking Flour!
Look at all of those interesting flours!
I know the flours play a part, but what REALLY makes these cookies look like puff balls is the xanthan gum.
Xanthan gum is used in gluten-free baking as a binder and emulsifier, AND it gives baked goods volume.
Some people argue that you should avoid consuming xanthan gum, but, in general, it is recognized as safe to consume. Even Food Babe will eat it, though she tries to avoid it for GMO-related concerns. And if Food Babe doesn’t shun a food, you know it’s safe.
Which thrills me because I have a giant pack of gluten-free flour with xanthan gum that just so happens to turn cookies into pokable little balls of fluff!
Seriously, these cookies spring back when you poke them!
They’re even more fun to EAT.
AND DID I MENTION THAT THEY ARE DELICIOUS?!?!
They are an excellent substitute for store-bought cookies and a perfect way to satisfy your sweet tooth on the 21 Day Fix. I counted 2 of them as a yellow B substitute, because they’re fairly small.
The batch says you’ll make 1.5 dozen (18 cookies), but I ended up making 21 cookies.
Make these cookies. You will not regret it. They evoke joy from your soul in a five-year-old way.
I spent the evening reading You by Caroline Kepnes.
I’ve never read a more engrossing book.
It’s so messed up.
It’s seriously nuts.
I can’t put it down.
I bring it to work with me.
I bring it to bed with me.
I bring it to breakfast with me.
I’ve never read anything like it.
It’s calm and collected.
Yet utterly frightening.
I am jealous of Kepnes for creating such a brilliant piece of literature. I don’t know HOW she did it.
READ THIS BOOK. TRUST ME.
If I were a celebrity, I would endorse the bejesus out of this book.
Since I am not a celebrity, I am telling YOU to read it on my tiny blog.
Woah nelly, was I dreading day 12’s workout. But, you know me! I did it anyway! Even though I wanted to stomp around in a circle in my living room like a defiant toddler.
Day 12 exercise = I did Beachbody’s Brazil Butt Lift program, video = Cardio Axe. (Did you know? When I link to workout videos, I am linking to people who have REVIEWED those workout videos in detail.) What makes this workout challenging is that it is NONSTOP. You’re moving, sweeping, swinging, jumping, and dancing for the entire workout. Never is there a break! It’s fun, though, especially because the host, Leandro, is so damn excited about the moves. He’s adorable. I love him. I also did 60 lunges with 10-lb. dumbbells held at my shoulders. THOSE LUNGES. My butt and thighs were seizing up afterward! I had to keep walking around for fear of freezing in place!
I packed my lunch, ate some overnight oats, and read some more of You by Caroline Kepnes, obviously.
The only thing that is bad about this book is that it has a final page.
I don’t want it to end. I want the story to continue forever.
Because I’m messed up in the head.
This book is nuts and I’m a psycho for liking it so much.
For lunch, I made an “interesting” salad. I threw greens in there plus a drizzle of Dijon mustard and a few cherry tomatoes. Then, I dumped 1 c. of my lentil/quinoa pasta on top. Then, I dumped some avocado in there.
When in Rome, right?
I planned on spending day 12 evening at my mother’s house.
You KNOW it’s a cheat zone for me.
But, did you know?
FOR THE FIRST TIME
SINCE THIS FIX STARTED
I FELT THIN
ON DAY 12.
And I know I’m thinning out. I can feel it.
I told Husband on the phone last night that I’m NOT going to let day 10’s desperation get to me and shove me into a rabbit hole of not eating in order to see extreme results.
Just a few days of totally on-track eats, and I already feel like a supermodel.
But seriously, swaying along with Leandro’s hips on day 12 morning left me feeling pretty dang sexy.
Nice to see you again, Confidence!
Anyway, my point is that I don’t CARE if I go to Cheat Zone (AKA mother’s house) tonight. Because this is REAL LIFE and I am trying to make gradual changes.
And I feel like I am definitely still losing weight and making progress.
And I am also a total food cheater through and through. That will never change.
I’m learning to cheat in moderation.
What I ate on Day 12:
- 1/2 c. of overnight oats = 1 yellow A, 1 orange
- green bell pepper = 1 green
- (salad) 1 c. spinach + a few cherry tomatoes + mushrooms + squirt of Dijon mustard + 1 c. pasta + 1/3 c. avocado = 2 green, 1 yellow A, 1 red, 1 blue
- steamed broccoli = 1 green
- edamame = 1/2 red
- quinoa = 1 yellow A
- homemade salsa and whole grain tortilla chips = 1/2 green, 1 yellow B
- Triscuits = more carbs
- peanut butter
Day 12 totals:
1.5 red (of 3)
4.5 green (of 5)
3 yellow A
1 yellow B
0 purple (of 1)
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
So, I cheated, but I was at my mom’s house and I kind of knew I was going to.
But since I was feeling SO MUCH BETTER on day 12 than day 10, and because I told myself to AVOID the rabbit hole of desperation-and-not-eating, I told myself it was okay to cheat.
It might take me longer to achieve the body goals I want, but slow and stead wins the race, here. The slower my progress, the better ingrained my habits will be.
SO. About DINNER.
Guess what I bought on day 11? Edamame!!!!
I brought that edamame to my mother’s house on day 12 to eat for dinner.
I have never had edamame before.
Apparently, edamame = green soybean pods.
Like quinoa, edamame are a complete protein (meaning they possess all 9 essential amino acids). Complete proteins are hard for vegans to come by, since vegans can’t have meat/fish/eggs. Meat/fish/eggs = complete proteins.
So, edamame is perfect for someone like me who is currently eating vegan and struggling to get her complete proteins in.
In fact, when I consulted Husband about edamame (who NEVER eats ANYTHING like this, BTW, so imagine my shock when he told me he LOVES edamame), he told me that you don’t eat the outer shell part. Just the inner pods. And he’s right – unless the whole shell/pod is dried for a crunchy snack, you only eat the inner pods.
Husband said you just drag them out of the shells with your teeth! Chomp and drag and pop! Pod goes into your mouth.
He said that he and his buddy used to gobble them up while they lived in Hawaii (for work). Hawaiian edamame is apparently served with butter and salt and is, according to Husband, “sooooo fricken good.”
Since butter is a no-no for me, I told Husband I intended to steam the bag and pop those pods out and spear them with forks and shovel them in just like that.
(Please note that I have been hunting for tofu and CANNOT find it in any store I visit. Help me!)
Luckily, I got a little more creative than fork-to-mouth with my edamame when I arrived to my mother’s house.
I decided to make a “stir fry.”
I started with this bag of “super grains.” Can you guess where I bought it? Can you? You know where I bought it.
I cooked one cup and measured out a half-cup serving for myself.
Then, I steamed a bag of broccoli and measured out 1 cup.
Then, I steamed my bag of frozen edamame and dumped those into a bowl.
Then, I got to shelling those pods. Since it was taking way too long for my hungry stomach, I only shelled about 1/2 of the 3/4 c. measure (remember, 1 red = 3/4 c.), and I said GOOD ENOUGH.
I dumped those pods into my bowl and voila!
Quinoa + edamame + steamed broccoli = healthy vegan Chinese food!
Since it was seriously lacking salt, I threw in some Worcestershire sauce.
Since that didn’t give me what I wanted (what I really wanted was SOY SAUCE but was too lazy to search more than five minutes for it), I added “teriyaki sauce,” instead. It was liquid and poured out just like soy sauce.
It wasn’t really what I was going for, but it sufficiently flavored my vegan Chinese food.
My bowl of vegan Chinese food was delicious and filling.
(Also, so was that weird pasta salad/avocado mix I had for lunch. Avocado = creamy “dressing” for salads!!!!!!!)
Edamame are delicious. They’re firm and solid. You FEEL like you’re getting substance when you eat edamame.
I finished the night by munching until bedtime. But NOT to the point of being OVERLY STUFFED.
On day 13, I will be visiting with all the wonderful women in my family. I simply cannot wait.
I’ll also be subjecting them to my vegan bakes.
I’ll let you know what they think!